Wednesday, July 14, 2010

People with Degrees Tell Me I'm Unsane

I know what you're asking yourselves: Is everything bigger in Texas?

The answer is yes. But it doesn't stop there. Everything is also hotter in Texas. And heavier. I don't know if it has a stronger gravitational pull than the rest of the country, but you can definitely feel it here. It is also Mexicaner. And it gives you indigestion.

If you can look past these things, then you can enjoy the big and handsome state of Texas.

We drove through the night to get to Amarillo. When I say we, I mean Kurt and Kyle. They both chugged a case of Red Bull and took a caffeine suppository so they could party all night through the exciting drive. We saw lots of wildlife.

We spent all day in Amarillo at the Coffee Shop where we would play. I walked across the street and ordered what I thought was a regular cheeseburger. It turned out to be a an entire calf with cheese pumped into its stomach, smooshed in between two loafs of bread. Texas!

That night, we turned down our amps and played a lighter set. We got a few more yawns than usual, but no ear bleeds. Success! Plus, we sold some things.

Now, let me preface the next section with this: Dallas is a trash hole. That being said, our time in Dallas was very pleasant indeed! We saw the Cowboy's Stadium, ran into Dirk Novitzki, and were treated extremely well by the venue. The sound guy reminded me what it means to be a team player and I got kissed by a bearded lady!

The good news in Dallas came in the form of Ben Gastright. He and his lovely wife made is the most delicious waffles I've ever experienced. It was so good that each of us took turns pooping in their son's crib because we already clogged the toilet. That son that I mentioned, Luke, is one piece of work. Hates alligators, loves beards. We had a terrific time playing with Luke, and Ben gave us a lot of cool music.

Oh, and the night before, I may or may not have spent some quality time with Kyle.

The next day we traveled to the enchanted city of Shreveport, LA, where, we soon discovered, that we would be playing with one other band. And that band was from Tucson. Excited for more Tucson Classics but not so excited for the turnout, Kyle decided to teach those dinguses at the venue a lesson by stealing their most prized possession. Luckily there was a Cane's nearby and I totally got my chicken strips on!

The girl we stayed with stormed in at 6:00 AM with pots and pans and her pepper spray and forced us out of the house. Not knowing what to do, and Kyle's eyes bleeding, we drove to the Woodlands, TX, which is apparently a very affluent suburb of Houston.

Since we finally had some time to kill and none of us had stayed awake for over 24 hours, we decided to finally to concede to the feeling inside of all of us that had been nagging us for weeks. So we did it. Was it wonderful? Yes. Did it change my mind about 3D? Yes. Did we cry. Yes. Except Kyle. He was doing something much louder and snottier.

That night, we were totally bamboozled in a good way. Sitting at the venue for an hour and a half with the three guys that worked there and the girl who was opening made us all believe that The Woodlands was a bust. But, out of nowhere, just as our new friend Nick got up to play, the room filled up. Forty people literally apparated. Nick played an awesome set with his two sisters, which made me miss my sisters! Some people stayed. Most of them left. God will judge them accordingly.

After the show as a total pizza party. Dillon grew wings (see below), Nick showed us youtubes of guys vomiting, and one of Nick's sisters fashioned my hair into a faux hawk. It was wild!

Not much to say about Bryan, TX. We met a cuckoo cuckoo and the sound guy really liked us. We all got stomach aches and it was hot.

Now, we are in Austin. Everyone says this place rules. We have two shows. We'll judge it accordingly.

Saturday we will be in New Orleans. If the methane bubble explodes and kills us, please know that we love you. Especially you.

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