Monday, May 4, 2009

Don't doubt the 'knot.

I’m writing to you from the front seat of our tour van. Why? There’s a band playing right now that sounds like dog so I don’t want to listen to them.

The last few days have been an adventure to say the least. After the last post we played a show in Grand Rapids to about 25 people who seemed to somewhat enjoy it. I was kind of pissed that they didn’t enjoy it more because I was doing some awesome fills in between songs to test out if my drums were still working (they were). Zack kept getting mad at me because he was trying to talk but you tell me what’s more important: Zack telling people about how his glasses strap or me doing triplets with one hand so fast you would swear they were quadruplets with both hands in use. Obvious answer is obvious.

After the show we lurched on over to our friend Nicky’s house where got some mad Z’s. We woke up in the morning to a wonderful sight: pancakes, bacon, veggie bacon for the veggie-nugs, eggs, hashbrowns, coffee, and orange juice. I ate so many pieces of bacon, just ask anyone in the band. They saw me do it. The day before tour Alex watched me eat 10 pieces of bacon in one sitting while playing Dynasty Warriors and that’s a stone cold FACT. After breakfast we sat around for about 6 hours. We were trying to see how much we could piss off Nicky’s parents by hogging their living room, and I would safely say “mission complete with flying colors”. And we’re not talking about George W. Bush “I’m on a boat with a mission complete banner” status, I’m talking about GTFO of my living room status. I high-fived everyone in the band and we went to play some boxball in the park. It was awesome and I once again stayed in square 1 for 90% of the time. Our new keyboard player Kurt thought he was awesome because he made it to the king square, but as soon as that happened I behind-the-backed the ball to him and he instantly got crazy eyes. YOU’RE OUT KURT. After boxball we took turns spinning around on the merry go round. Alex and I spun Kyle around for literally 15-20 minutes and he threw up. Zack was throwing the boxball at him too, so it was a pretty awesome thing to witness. Then Kyle spun Alex around on a tire swing and Alex almost threw up but didn’t. That would’ve easily been the best day of tour had that happened.

After the shenanigans took place we met up with our friends Matt and PJ. They were going to take us on an adventure filled night, but we didn’t even know how adventureful it would wind up being. To start, I did some sick ass parkour shit all over Grand Rapids’ collective face. A cop came up to tell me to stop the foolishness but I ran up a pillar and then backflipped over him so he gave me a warning for being “way too radical”. After that we went to the biggest tire swing in Grand Rapids and pushed each other until we almost got our heads chopped off. I’m not even kidding, Alex and I almost got our noggins rocked. Then we walked around downtown Grand Rapids, got called fags more times than I can count (4), and got told to “fuck off” after telling a pair of lesbians that we’re cool with their lifestyle. Biggest “lol wut???” ever by the way. On our last trip around GR we came up to an arena where Slipknot had just finished creating the biggest JNCO-filled mosh pit you’ve probably ever seen. We saw a group of about 5 people talking to a dude near a tour bus, so we walked over to them. It was a little quiet so I said “who are you?” The ‘knot fans gave a laugh as if they thought I was kidding. DEAD SERIOUS bros. He gave me a name, and it didn’t ring any bells. He was trying to be funny though, because that wasn’t his real name. It wasn’t funny. Then he told me his name was Jim and that he plays guitar in Slipknot. He shook my hand and walked away. To say I was dumbstruck would be a lie. I was just kind of stoked that I met an awesome nu-metal bro. One of the better events of the night is when we found a bag of open Chex Mix on the ground that was 9/10 eaten.

(Chex Mix and an empty drink on the sidewalk. Keep it classy, Grand Rapids)

Matt decided to try to get people to eat it and no one was having any of it. All of a sudden after all hope was almost gone, a drunk girl came stumbling out of the bar proclaiming to the whole city how hungry she was. Matt swooped in for the kill and offered her some of the mix. She slammed her hand in there so fast that the NBA MVP voters almost changed their vote from Lebron James to “hungry drunk Slipknot fan”. On our way back to the van we saw a few orange road-block cones the size of trash cans. We totally blocked off a side street and sat back and watched the chaos ensue. Cars were freaking out and I truly believe we made at least 2 people late for an event. We capped off the night with a trip to the biggest Meijer I've ever stepped foot in.

(PJ just before getting kicked off the horse in Meijer)

The next day (today) we had a show in Lansing, MI. We got to town about 6 hours early so we decided to play a little boxball near MSU. We drew out some squares and started to get our game on. Cool Steve was getting a little sweaty so naturally I took my shirt off. I’m not one to lie, so I’ll just tell you straight up that I’ve got one of the best bodies you’ve ever seen. Top 5 if I’m trying to be humble. Lo and behold a big group of girls came up and asked me if they could touch my pecs. I told them that they could only if they made their Facebook statuses “so-and-so has seen the light and is now saved”. A quarter of MSU’s students have the same Facebook status right now.

The show was a total joke. We played a laid back but energetic set to a crowd that thought beer was going to get dumped on them if they clapped after a song. There was no more beer left at the bar because one dude drank it all. This dude thought it was hysterical to yell INDIANA between all of our songs. His band played after ours and there are no words to describe it. He was thrashing his body all over the walls/amps/drumset and the music didn’t call for that in the least. I peed my pants when (during the third song) he played a recognizable chord. The crowd all cheered and thought that was the climax so they all left.


This is Cool Steve, signing off.


  1. fuck, stephen, i just spit water out of my mouth all over my bed.

  2. i can't even imagine how bad the van smells now since you decided to consume MORE bacon...good lord.

  3. probably the same as it did before.

  4. yeah still smells like fart van, for sure. stephen has been holding that scent down for everyone.

  5. ssadlkfjas;dlkfjasd;lfkjasdhAHAHAHAHAHAHA "...creating the biggest JNCO-filled mosh pit ..."