Monday, February 2, 2009

I Would Gladly Pay You Nothing

Hey guys, it’s been a while. A lot has gone down since the last time I blogged, so let me fill you in.

Two nights ago we played our show in Baton Rouge. The show itself was a little weird and the mood was a little down afterwards. Alex and I were hanging out in a bedroom when a small group gathered.

I knew I couldn’t let this feeling linger, so I quickly transformed into Cool Steve and walked out into a room of 4 or 5 awkward people sitting on couches. Before they knew what hit them, dance music started pouring out of the speakers and I was shoulder dropping and wobbly legging like I had no business ever being there. Caught with the infection, they started dancing too, and after a few minutes we had ourselves a full-fledged dance party. Shirts came off, liquids were spilled on the floor, and I’m not lying when I tell you that at one point every girl in the room asked me if I would dance with them. Sorry ladies, Cool Steve’s got better things to do.

After the dance party Zack, Frank, new pal Emily and myself were all a bit hungry. We hopped in Emily’s car and headed to the Burger King because I’ve had a free Whopper coupon that quite frankly has been a sonuvabitch to try to use. The first BK we went to claimed to be 24 hours but actions speak louder than words, and their actions were filled with an infinite amount of shenanigans as their drive through was blocked and their lights were off. We headed to another location and on the way the song “Beautiful Girls” came on the radio. I heard the suck right away and knew I had to do something about it, so I channeled the spirit of Eli Porter and spit a freestyle so fresh over the beat that people in Baton Rouge are still referring to it as "The Remix". We arrived at the next BK at 3:45 a.m. and saw they start serving breakfast at 4. Cool, I can still get that Whopper. Little did I know that shenanigans at BK aren’t limited to only one location, and can actually be transferred. This store had obviously just received a shipment because when I broke down and ordered breakfast (bacon egg and cheese biscuit and orange juice with no pulp) the lady thought I was kidding. She said, “excuse me?” with more attitude than Rosie O'Donnell. I stuck my head out the window and said it a bit louder which caused the record at the party to screech to a halt. “You ain’t gonna get no food if you’re yellin’ at me like that” said O'Donnell. Emily stepped up to the plate and made it clear that attitude can be given just as it’s received. To make a long story short, we spoke to the manager (who was probably just O'Donnell trying to stay out of trouble) and headed to Jack In The Box where they welcomed us with open arms, made us feel at home, and cried when we left.

That night we stayed at Emily’s apartment where she had a king sized bed for Frank, Alex and me to share. Zack and Emily slept on the floor and if you think I feel guilty about that then you don't know me. We woke up the next morning and Zack and Emily had gotten pancake mix with chocolate and peanut butter chips to throw into the mix. Frank was so happy he cried in the corner for 5 minutes and I had to tell him if he doesn’t stop crying then I’m eating all his pancakes in front of his face. After pancakes were eaten a knock on the door was heard. I opened the door and saw a man who, simply put, loved America. Zack swears his truck said KAB (Keep America Beautiful) on it. He was here to help Emily move, and so we assisted for a bit and then got bored and spent five minutes trying to decide whether we should drop a pumpkin off the balcony or not. After loading some things in this guy's truck he decided to take them to her new house. We were all standing outside (in t-shirts still, because it was something like 65 and sunny) and watching America back up his truck to leave. He was just going straight back and never turning his steering wheel. Keep in mind this is in an apartment complex parking lot, so as he’s backing up we’re all thinking, “oh he’s going to turn his wheel soon or even brake so that he doesn’t hit the car that is right behind him.” Well America never turned his wheel and we got the pleasure of seeing him rip a hole in another car’s bumper. He got out of the truck and said “did I hit it?” and Zack said with almost TOO much sarcasm in his voice, “no dude, the loud crunch you just heard was me stepping on a soda can, and the jarring stop you just felt was you waking the hell up and stepping on your brake.” America was just relieved that he didn’t hit anything so he drove away. America didn’t know Zack was kidding.

Later that night I was getting restless because I had a craving to be surrounded by beer and girls that are beads away from showing people their breasts. We headed to Bourbon St. in downtown New Orleans where dreams you never knew you had come true. Then we headed to Café Du Monde and took powdered sugar showers, much to a weird old guy’s delight.

To end the night we headed to a haunted nunnery in Covington, LA. Apparently there is a man who lives next to it who won’t hesitate to bring out his shotgun if he sees you entering. It was scarier walking up to the nunnery than exploring it. My favorite part of the adventure is when I threw a rock down a dark hallway and everyone freaked out except Alex who’s stoked meter was unable to show a reading anymore because it was OFF THE CHARTS. I thought everyone knew it was me because I was smiling so big after it happened but apparently they had no idea. I’m even sneakier than I thought.

The next day we finally had to leave Baton Rouge and head to Mobile where we were planning to watch the Super Bowl. Nicky and Courtney went to Sonic and got us all some lunch which was hamburgers and potato nuggets. I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today, but here was a situation where I would gladly pay you never for a hamburger right now. Now I know some weird things have been happening on this tour, but what happened next tops them all. I opened up the burger and saw one of the worst things you can see: onions that look just like the lettuce. This is a hard situation to be in because I hate onions, but I want lettuce. I spent close to 5 minutes picking up each individual piece of lettuce/onion and inspecting it, then throwing it away if it was in fact an onion. Mission accomplished.

We pulled into Pascagoula, MS where we found a Buffalo Wild Wings. We had some time to kill before the game so boxball was played and to say I spent at least half the time in box number 1 would be an understatement. The time finally came and we all piled into B-Dubs to watch the game. I’m not going to bore you with all the details, but I will inform you of this. The place erupted when two of the most beautiful plays in the history of Steelers football occurred (play 1 and play 2), but nothing can compare to the celebration explosion when the Denny’s commercial came on announcing a free grand slam breakfast on Tuesday from 6am – 2pm. I couldn’t hear myself think for 5 minutes as people were screaming and jumping off tables. Dance music was blaring and I shook it on the table for a bit because I needed to show Mississippi how Cool Steve gets down. As I’m sure you know by now, the mighty Pittsburgh Steelers prevailed and became the first team to win 6 Super Bowls. We played boxball for close to an hour after the game in the parking lot until it started to rain.

We needed a place to stay the night so after some phone calls Nicky found a possible beach house we could stay in. The only problem was that no one was there, the owners weren’t going to know we were there, and we would have to break in. Oh and it was on an island in southern Alabama. None of us could see a problem with the scenario so we headed towards it. On bridge to the island we were coming up on a hill that was so dark and steep it looked like a drawbridge that had been raised. Zack was absolutely sure that’s what it was so as we approached it he was screaming at me to slow down out of fear of falling off the raised bridge. Alex just screamed “PIZZA” at the top of his lungs and Nicky cried in the back. We got to the island and eventually to the beach house where we realized we weren’t going to be able to get in. We cut our losses, threw street cred out the window, and pitched in to get a room at a Red Roof Inn, where we’re currently staying. I’m eating everything in the mini-bar because you only live once.

We left the motel around noon and started heading towards Tallahassee. The drive in and of itself contained very little action besides some rain here and there. At one point the rain started to get noisy and annoying so I said "STOP" pretty matter-of-factly and at once the rain did just that. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

Cool Steve

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